In a championship game between two high school soccer teams, a goalkeeper was inadvertently kicked and knocked unconscious. With the ball in play and the unfortunate team trying to defend without a goalkeeper, a member of the opposing team intentionally kicked the ball out of bounds to stop play.
When asked later why he kicked the ball out of bounds instead of trying to shoot it into the open goal, the young man said, “If someone is hurt like that, especially the goalkeeper, you do that. If I had scored, it wouldn’t have been much of a goal.”
This young player displayed an exceptional understanding of the difference between winning and success — that one doesn’t necessarily equal the other. And I would like to stress that not everyone understands that difference.
It is when sportspersons entirely equate winning with success (and vice versa) that sportsmanship problems arise. Hardly surprising. If you must win to feel successful, then losing becomes an even bigger blow to the ego than it is ordinarily.
Unless the difference between winning fairly on a level playing field and winning at any price is understood, the pressure to win often at the cost of one’s self-esteem and peer reputation, becomes intense.
So how do you help your kids distinguish the difference between winning fairly and ‘success’?
First, you have to examine your own attitudes and beliefs. How important do you believe winning is in the grand scale of things? I know one mom who thought she was pretty enlightened when it came to sportsmanship issues — until her favourite basketball team experienced its first losing season in two decades. Suddenly, she couldn’t even read the sports pages as it was too painful. But gradually she rectified her over-reaction. “If I am like this over a bunch of guys I don’t even know, what am I going to do when my kid’s team starts losing?” she reasoned.
As a responsible parent it’s important for the growth and development of your children that you don’t equate winning with success. Success is all about honest effort, good feeling, comradeship, making a contribution, developing skills, and having fun — things we have some control over. Individuals have control over the amount of effort they put into training and on-field performance, but they have limited control over the final points on the scoreboard. Success is what youngsters strive for, but unfortunately winning is what adults value, and kids know it.
In the world of sports, the word ‘success’ is usually used to describe a desired outcome or goal. A successful athlete is one who performs at a certain established level. However, since not everyone can win, outcomes are not the best way to determine success. Therefore, it’s better for parents, athletes, and coaches to define success on the basis of self-improvement. This could be by improving attitudes (being open to learning, positive) and behaviour (showing up for practice on time, becoming a team player, etc).
As a responsible and caring parent, how can you help your children focus on continuous improvement and learn to measure it?
• Make sure your motives are pure. If you are pushing self-improvement because you’re not satisfied with your child’s performance, then you need to step back and ask yourself “Why is it so important to me that my child does well in sports?”
• Look out for signs of improvement in your children and appreciate them with specific, not general or vague comments.
• Always remind them to measure themselves against themselves, not against others.
• Don’t compare your children with others. They will do this on their own. Your job should be to help your children recognise their individual worth and the qualities that make them unique.
• Remind your children to work towards skills improvement while observing the spirit of sportsmanship in every game. Of the two, I would emphasize the importance of good sportsmanship.
• Help your children set reasonable, achievable goals and to measure their attainments against them.
When ‘winning’ depends on improving or exceeding personal and team performance and striving for excellence, then everyone has the opportunity to be a winner. Besting an opponent is exciting, but exceeding your best performance is real success. What’s important is to enjoy the experience of playing and participation. Such enjoyment will exhilarate and give more to a player than trophies or awards.
Sportspersons who understand the difference between winning and success will eventually triumph on and off the field. This knowledge will enable them to acquire self-esteem and self-control and also win them golden opinions as good, fair sportspersons.
(This article is adapted from Dr. George A. Selleck’s book Raising A Good Sport: In an In-Your-Face World)